Elizabeth's Diary
by gh3472
Summary: Elizabeth is angry at Jason for telling her they can't be together because of the danger. This right after Monday, April 14th, 2008 episode.


This is really short. I'm not sure if I am going to continue it...there is definitely an opportunity to do so since it's left pretty open ended. This got pulled from The Canvas because, in their opinion, "it went beyond 'fic' and crossed the line into ranting about the show and the storyline. Also, it was decided long ago that we wouldn't permit any sort of fic to be written that was diary-ish from Elizabeth's point-of-view. because it is easier to grasp Elizabeth's innermost feelings."

When I wrote this I was angry with the writers for giving Liason fans 10 seconds of happiness. Then I was angry at Jason for breaking Elizabeth's heart again. And lastly, I was angry that Elizabeth is NEVER given the opportunity to lash out and tell people how she really feels.

**Elizabeth's Diary**

_**April 14, 2008 4:00pm**_

I don't know what to do…he just walked out of my house telling me he loves me and wants me and the boys to have "an amazing life". What the fuck is that supposed to mean?! Did he not hear what I said to him? Did he not hear me tell him that I love him and that I've loved him for a long time? Why did he fucking propose to me if he was going to just take it away without even giving me a chance to tell him how I feel or what I want? Am I devastated that Michael is lying in a hospital bed with a gun shot wound and may never wake up? Of course I am. Would I want to die if either of my children were lying where Michael is right now? Of course I would. But that doesn't negate the fact that I am still in love with Jason and have been for as long as I can remember.

I am so angry. I am so hurt. My heart is aching. And I don't think the pain in my chest is going to go away this time. I can't believe he did this to me, to us, again. Sure he chose his life before he met me but that doesn't mean he has to live his life the way Sonny lives his life. The sad part in all of this is I understand to a certain degree where he is coming from. He loves me enough to let me go and walk away so that one of his enemies doesn't come after me and the boys. But if history should repeat itself, I didn't have to be Jason's girlfriend to have one of his enemies use me against him. This is why this is so ridiculous. Everyone in Port Charles and probably all of the people in the neighboring towns know we are, at least, friends. Everyone knows we are close. It's public record for goodness sakes. I only said it about one hundred times when Ric had me on the stand during Jason's murder trial. It's public record that we slept together. Does he really think that the person who shot Michael wouldn't know that? Or have done their own research on him and Sonny? God, why does he have to be such a martyr all the time? Why can't he ever do what makes him happy and not take on everyone else's issues and problems? Why? I am just so angry with him.

How am I supposed to get over him? How am I supposed to stop loving him? How can I look at Jake and not see his father's eyes looking back at me? This is so unfair. I want to scream. I want to break something. I want to punch someone. It's all my fault anyway. I am the one to blame for the predicament Jason and I are in now. If I had been brave enough all those months ago when I knew I was in love with him and just told him, I don't think we would be here right now. But I feel as if someone is writing my life for me and they keep putting road blocks up to keep me from him. Why? Why would God or whoever is in control of the Port Charles Universe do this to us? Is it not obvious that we are in love? Is it not obvious that we have only been truly happy when we've been together? I think I have to go and pray to the writers of life gods and bitch them out for keeping me and Jason apart!

I have to get out of this two bit town. I can't stay here when every corner reminds me of him. I can't go to work, or go to Kelly's or go down by the docks and not be reminded of some moment in time that I was there with Jason. Nine years of being in and out of ones lives is a lot. And I don't think I can stay here and not be reminded every single waking second of the mistakes and the misunderstandings that he and I have been through that has kept up apart. I am making a promise to myself, that if I am ever in a relationship again, it will be because I want to be and I won't stay in it out of obligation or fear of what I truly want.

All I wanted was a life with the man that I love. All I wanted was to raise a family in that love. All I wanted was to feel secure and safe in that love and be willing to face obstacles together…not apart. How could he just push me away? He needs me now more than ever to comfort him, but he is going to go back to the hospital and be strong for Carly and Michael. Who is ever strong for Jason? Carly is such a damn leech! And the crazy thing is I feel terrible for thinking that right now, but it is the truth. Would I want to switch places with her? Absolutely not! No mother deserves to be in the position she is in right now. But Carly is damn sure not thinking about how any of this is hurting Jason or Sonny or Jax. I know it sounds so cold to be talking about a grieving mother like that, but she has done more hurtful things in her life then I care to write down. When she found out about Jake, she said every hurtful thing she could think of to make me feel horrible. Like she never did anything like me. Whatever. All I can say is maybe her karma is coming back to bite her. I think I need a drink…

--

_**April 14, 2008 6:00pm**_

Lucky just called to check on me and the boys. That was definitely a call I didn't want to take and should have just let the answering machine pick up, but if I hadn't, he probably would have shown up here and I definitely don't want to see him. Of course he went on and on about how, in hindsight, it was the best thing for everyone for me to lie about Jake's paternity...how he wanted to come by and see the boys because he misses them. He told me how concerned he has been for me since I told him I've been seeing Jason secretly and that I should be careful. Since this whole thing with Michael happened, it's put a lot of things in perspective for him…yada, yada, yada. I couldn't take listening to him blathering on and on so, I told him to shut the fuck up and not call me. I have no time to deal with his petty bullshit and his 'I told you so' crap! I don't think I will ever be able to look at Lucky again and not feel resentment and shame. Resentment towards him for all of the time I feel as though he manipulated me into trying to love him when I was in love with Jason. And shame for all of the time I wasted with him when I should have been with Jason. I just want to scream!

--

_**April 14, 2008 11:30pm**_

I can't sleep. Since putting the boys to bed, I've been sitting in the living room reliving this whole nightmare. I can't even go into my bedroom because all I see are me and Jason making love on my bed after Emily's funeral. Oh, if Emily were here, she would be kicking her brother's ass! I've been in a daze. I am all cried out. I don't think another tear can come out of my eyes. My eyes are burning from all the crying. I called Epiphany already and told her I wouldn't be at work tomorrow. I can't go in. She understood. She knows this whole nightmare has been emotionally difficult for me. If only she knew the whole sordid details. I am barely a functioning human being at this point.

I must have walked past the boys' rooms a dozen times tonight. The pain in my chest will not go away. I don't know how to make it stop. Is Jason right? Is he? Doesn't he love me and the boys enough to try and make this work? He knows I won't fight him about security or guards. I just don't understand why he won't even give it a chance. Give us a chance. I am so fucking frustrated. Even writing all of this down, isn't helping. I wish he would just call me…and as stubborn as he is, I know he won't.

--

_**April 15, 2008 3:00am**_

You know what, fuck this shit. I am calling his ass right now. I just saw his fucking motorcycle pass the house. Again. I think that must have been the 3rd or 4th time tonight he has driven by. He wants to stay away for my protection and the boys' protection then he shouldn't be fucking driving past my house every couple of hours. I know he thinks I don't know he's doing it. He said if I call him, he'll meet me. I know he's hurting too. I saw it in his eyes when he left…the stone cold enforcer was breaking his own heart too. I am so done with him making the decisions for the both of us, yet telling me it's my choice, because I have everything to lose. When I call him, I'm not telling him to meet me at the safe house. He needs to meet me here, at my house. Screw this. I have been sitting in this house for 11 hours, not able to sleep or eat. He needs to get his ass back over here and let me give him a piece of my mind because for everything that we've been through and for as long as we've been friends, lovers and now 'strangers' however that is supposed to work, he and I have never abandoned each other when we've really needed each other. He's going to be upset with me and try to convince me otherwise…but you know what? I know he'll come….


End file.
